I can’t be certain, but I do not believe the island of Alameda, CA had ever seen a stretch limousine before we drove in last Saturday in celebration of Brooks’ birthday. (And yes, Alameda is an island. Who knew?!)

The birthday itinerary was jam packed with fun and booze. We were picked up at Brooks & Patrick’s place, where we transferred from our über to our limo. (#firstworldproblems) The group was small and mighty, consisting of a couple couples and a few singles, all ready to mingle after a couple of my homemade “strawberry lemonades.”

Our first item on the agenda was a tasting and tour of the St George Distillery at Hangar 21.  If you haven’t made the trek over to visit this place, I highly recommend it. For a mere $15 you enjoy their phenomenal “Flight Training” course (pun intended). Not only do you get to taste the below extensive list of spirits, but also experience an educational hour long tour of their facility. Note: I would recommend touring first, then tasting…

After feeling nice and sloshed post the 13 sips of brandy, vodka, whiskey, gin, bourbon, absinth and liqueur on an empty stomach, I was ready for some grub.

Our second stop of the day was at a German restaurant, Speisekammer; the likes of a Leopold’s but sans the Polk Street atmosphere. We filled our bellies and did our best to avoid a sleepy slumber before we hit up our third stop, Lucky 13.

Oh and did I mention it felt like it was 90 degrees outside?? Lucky had a great outdoor patio, but no amount of Wyder’s Pear Cider on tap could cool us down. We spent a only quick 20 minutes there, enough for a round of iPhone CatchPhrase and a game of skee ball.

And finally, the most ridiculous closing to any day drinking event, we visited an original Tiki bar known as the Forbidden Island. The place was completely decked out with light up blowfish, tons of netting, straw ceilings and walls.

We were the first ones to walk in when they opened their doors at 5pm and promptly ordered 3 scorpion bowls, a flaming birthday cocktail, as well as (this is not an exaggeration) 25+ mozzarella sticks. Weird I know.

We headed back to the city once the cocktails were completely drunk. Needless to say I didn’t make it out too late on Saturday night.

Happy Birthday Brooks.

I can honestly say I have attended a wedding where the two people seemed truly in love and had met online. It worked for them. For me? Not so much.

During our second Summer of Single Dudes (SOSD) my girlfriends and I had discussed doing a Match.Competition, where we would use online dating sites to meet guys and compete to see who could go on the most dates. The objective wasn’t necessarily to fall in love, but instead pass the time while looking for Mr. Right Now.

It was during this time I signed up for both Match.com and OkCupid, however due to the much too complex point system we created for the competition, we never followed through with the idea.  Once my free subscription to Match expired, I deleted my profile, but since OKC didn’t cost a dime, I thought what the hell?! Let’s see what happens…

Now, I try my best to not judge a book by its cover but the content inside these books…not worth a second look. The below are actual photos and messages I have received on OkCupid.

First and foremost, these three guys prove illiterate men are always attracted to me. You think I’m joking, but since I was a young lady if he had a lawn mower in the back of his truck, he was honking.

Then there are those guys who know how to form a sentence and over use the skill. They go on and on and on and on…I mean seriously? They’ve read less than 300 words about me at this point.

And of course, there are the weirdos…This guy’s name is “Healing Tiger.” What the duck is that about? And when someone starts off by saying, “No question is off limits…” followed by a creepy emoji, the next statement can be absolutely no good.

And finally, let’s not forget the perverts…Please note the photos I’ve posted of myself on OKC are totally, completely normal. Nothing obscene or inappropriate. I swear. And yet, these are the come hither words I receive…

 

While I admit not every message contains obscenities, vulgarity or outright stupidity, overall my impression of the online dating scene has been nothing to writing home about. (Well that’s ironic.)

While enjoying my time as a single lady I’ve had the pleasure of gaining much insight into the male psych and it is fascinating. However, there is one question I continue to grapple with… Why did God give men two heads and only enough blood to run one at a time? It just doesn’t make sense. 

I asked myself this just today after a conversation regarding Valentine’s Day with a sample male specimen. He shared the following: Commonly known as “Happy Bitter Single Girls Day!”, Valentine’s Day is the best time of year to pick up a DTF lady at the bar. I promptly responded by saying, “Ew. You’re disgusting!”

Then I recalled a recent text message exchange between two of my friends and thought, “Gawd. He’s right. Women can be just as slutty as men.” So for your viewing pleasure the following is an exchange between two of my friends, one female (green) and one male (white), where the male is asking the female for advice on how to get an engaged woman to go home with him…(WARNING: Profanities included.)

 (Note: The identities of these shameful friends will be kept private, as they are both shameful human beings.)