• Man in Unit #2 Who was officially the tiniest asian stoner I’d ever met. I never witnessed him in a sober state. Never.
• Woman in Unit #3 Who sold drugs and sex…Not literally of course. She was in pharmaceutical sales and sold sex toys to housewives on the side, but doesn’t it sound more fun to say drugs and sex?!
• Woman in Unit #5 Who partied with the likes of Steven Tyler and consistently passed out in our hallway because she couldn’t make it up the next two flights of stairs.
• Men & Women in Unit #6 Who still to this day prove to be the most awesome wastes of life a friend can have. Well at least two of them are.

On Filbert I felt comfortable and at home, and was admittedly nervous about what crazies would be living next to us in Fort Mason. That was until I met the following: Shaggin’ Wagon, D-Pain, El Presidente, Vin-Tatum, Alaska, Australia and Texas Hold ‘Em. (Oh and yes. These are their code names. I promised to respect their privacy and protect their identities.)

In the last three weeks these folks have proven to be everything I could ever ask for in a neighbor. They’ve supported us during a trash bust, shared a laugh over family dinner, provided wingman support at the bar, dance partied in our living room, rolled through the hills of Fort Mason, played king’s cup for hours at a time, flip cupped in the rain, and raged through the wee hours of the night, even on a Sunday.

And if all of the above wasn’t enough to know it was fate that we were all to live together, I most certainly knew when during a week night family dinner, D-Pain showed us this:

Yes. This is an incredibly inappropriate photo of two people incredibly drunk hooking up on D-Pain’s brand new bed set. But instead of stopping them to let them know that no window treatments had been installed and that all of the party attendees could see their dirty deed or just to say get the hell off my bed, he snapped this picture and shared it with all of us over a good hardy laugh.

(And no, the two hooking up are not anyone that I know. And yes, they do still have their shoes on.)

Recently Mary’s brother, “Teach Me How to Dougie” and his friends have taught us a new game called “Your Team.” I encourage you to join in…

For more information and of course a preview of who’s been fortunate to have been assigned to my team, read on here.

So on Sunday, January 1, hungover as all hell, I packed up my shiza and moved the five blocks to a new humble abode. Within approximately 48 hours Merry and I had settled in, thanks to our bribed friends and family, and were ready to embark on what we knew would be an absolute shit show of a time.

In the seventeen days we’ve lived here we’ve come to discover the following: Living in Fort Mason is exactly like going to summer sleep-away camp, but with booze and discretionary funds at your disposal.

Our situation is unique in that the group of houses on our block have been recently renovated and upon their completion, all of the neighbors moved in simultaneously. Being part of the Golden Gate National Park, each tenant was screened and selected based on a very prescriptive set of criteria. This has resulted in a group of financially sound adults, open to living in a community-oriented environment, i.e. people ready and willing to rage.

My only concern moving to Fort Mason has been that of our personal safety. Not to say I couldn’t hold my own, but stumbling home from the bars at 2am and walking through a pitch black forest would make any lady nervous. Despite purchasing matching headlamps to avert rapists and crazies, Merry and I still felt uneasy about the situation…That was until we met the Fort Mason “Camp Counselors” or more commonly known as members of the National Park Federal Police (NPFP) and San Francisco Fire Department (SFFD).

This past weekend marked our first to opportunity to play at our new place and in the 72 hours celebrating the civil rights preached by MLK, we had six visits from the NPFP and three visits from the SFFD. I will note only one of the instances actually involved any illegal activity (i.e. accidentally dumping trash in the wrong trash. not kidding), the eight other visits gave us quite the reputation amongst the two groups of officials, as well as our neighbors.

All in all month one of thirty-six has started off with a bang (read into that how you please) and between the men in uniform and, of I forgot to mention, the bevy of single dude neighbors, we’re sure to have a safe, pleasant and happy tomorrow.

Thursday, December 8: The Trolley Crawl..and I Get Schnokered on Schnapps
As we have for the last couple of years, the holiday trolley crawl always proves to be a must for the season. Knowing what a crazy weekend I had in store, I had cleverly prepared and had taken Friday off of work. This, knowingly, provided permission to my shiza-show-self to get extra holiday schnockered on schnapps during the trolley ride.

We met at Campus whereby a group of about 30 people joined the staff of our trolley and headed out to see the San Francisco city lights. We had the most amazing bartender, Rhonda, who served the stiffest drinks.

NOTE: I’m 99% certain she’s been our bartender before. This time, however, Greg had innocently misinformed her to have on board extra vodka, but since I had started the 7&7 trend, we drank through several bottles of seagrams instead.

During our ride, we drove through Pac Heights, Union Square, the Financial and up to Coit Tower. The view from the top was magnificent. Perfectly clear. It made for the perfect location to pop a squat. I’m not sure who took a series of photos on my camera phone at that point, but this is the most legible one I found.

From Coit we headed down to The Buena Vista for an Irish Coffee or two. From here things are a bit blurry…I recall a beach, a stalker, a new friend and then back to Campus. Facebook tells me I closed out the night with a wicked game of cards at Monaghan’s with Pat.  All in all, a good night for Christmas.

Friday December 9: Upstairs Dance Party…and It Goes All Night
Thursday night’s hangover lasted a little too long into Friday afternoon for my liking, but after being awoken by my two lovely man companions, Shanny, I was up and ready to face the day, in bed. I suppose it was around 6pm when I finally mustered the energy to shower and get all dolled up for Christie, Milo and Lauren’s 6th Annual Christmas Party.

Christie had gone all out this year. The apartment was filled with holiday cheer and lots of beer. All our friends were there and Christie’s punch you in the face punch knocked the dance right out of us. It was around 12am when the police finally stopped by, of their own accord, because Whitney Houston’s “I Want to Dance with Somebody” was blasting out of the fourth floor windows.

No warning could stop us. At this point only the strong survived. This is us doing the traditional peppermint patty shots late night.

I’m not sure how it happened, but the next thing I know it was 5:30am and I was hanging out with DTD and a bouncer from The Bus Stop named Yuri. Luckily I did manage to squeeze in a couple hours of sleep before I had to be ready to host brunch at our place before Santacon.

Saturday, December 10: Santacon…and a There’s a Shit-ton of Santas
By 9am I was up and costumed while Sean was already at the oven cooking up some tots, eggs and what seemed like 27 different types of sausage. From our house we hopped on the bus and headed down to Civic Center to begin marching.

In the past several years I’ve always started Santacon before the official 12pm call, however, I’ve never actually started at Civic Center, so this year we made it a priority.

Highlights from the rest of the day include sake bombs at 1pm, dancing down Polk Street behind a 6-person bike and amazing sound system, bad santas, naked santas, Christie’s parents at Savoy and finally closing out the night at our favorite spot, Marengo. (I’m shocked they served us too.) While I didn’t make it to 2am this year, I feel like I really did put my best food forward in scaring children by dressing up as a shiza-faced-santa-claus, forever ruining their image of the man who they thought only enjoyed milk.

Hope you have a very merry holiday. Cheers!

Saturday, December 4: Christmas Parties…and The Project Returns
The day was filled with cleaning our our apartment in prep for the move on January 1. My parents were in town to help me declutter, which meant no rest to be had as we worked from 9 to 5 cleaning out my hoarded shiza. That night, the parentals peaced out, the girls cooked at our place, with what little kitchenware I had not packed, and we readied ourselves for a night on the town.

We first hit up Kellan, Laura & Blaire’s Holiday Party on Fillmore. Both Kellan and Laura are amazing chefs and had whipped up a plethora of sweets and savories, including these amazing chorizo stuffed dates wrapped in bacon. Mmm good. After several Rosemary-Cran Vodka Tonics, we headed over to KT’s for the Boy’s Christmas Party.

Previously my number one favorite spot in the city, KT’s, has recently dropped to one of my least favorites. I’ve given it many an opportunity to redeem itself under the new management, but Saturday was the last straw. While those we knew provided great company and the 7&7′s contained the right amount of 7, the security blew. The space was overcrowded, Christie’s phone was stolen and they had let in one too many bridge and tunnel folks for my liking. I always know it’s a bad spot when I only have one photo to show for remembering I was there…

It was around midnight when we gave up on KT’s and headed up to Lion’s Den to meet up with MDID (i.e. Mike, Doug & Indian Doug). Everything was going great until “The Project” walked in. You may recall this man from February’s President’s Day Weekend shiza show. Quite honestly I barely recognized him…at this point things were pretty fuzzy, the bar was dark and I had worked hard to black out any photographic memories of him (no pun intended). He first approached Mary and shockingly remembered her name. (Creepy, right? I would give my left limb to go back in time and take a photo of the expression on Mary’s face as he walked up to give her a hug and say hi.)

Over the course of the next hour I utilized many tactics to avoid “The Project,” including, but not limited to, personal bodyguards, literally hiding under the bar, Mary’s verbal and extremely offensive insults, and at the very end of the night escaping to M&IDs apartment. “The Project’s” final words were, “So, are we gonna leave here and have some sex?” I mean who says that?! Really?! Thank gawd the boys can prove to be gentlemen when the time is right. So gross. Thanks for spreading the Christmas cheer “The Project.”

More to come from weekend number two…

The months of November and December are by far my busiest professionally, but prove to also be the busiest personally. The holidays bring family, friends and acquaintances together more in 60 days than in the remaining 305 days combined. For me, this November was filled with the following and I encourage you to take note…

Boozing in Sonoma
Mary and her parents graciously invited me to a weekend in Sonoma for food, wine and good company. While I only ended up staying Friday night, the 24 hours were filled with all of that and more. We stayed in the amazing MacArthur Place, where we had a ridiculous space, including Lola’s very own day bed.

(NOTE: For those of you who don’t know, Lola can go everywhere now. Stop asking questions.)

While in Sonoma we dined at Cafe La Haye and The Fig Cafe, both absolutely delicious! And of course it wouldn’t be Sonoma without wine tasting, stopping at Benziger and Ledson Saturday afternoon. Unfortunately I did have to drive back to the city that evening and I did not want to be shiza-faced in front of Mary’s sweet parents, so the imbibing of the wine was limited to say the least. Even so, the getaway was fantastic!

Discovering Ram’s Gate
Less than a 40 minute drive from the city, Ram’s Gate Winery is the perfect location for a Sunday Funday. Now open for almost two months, we’ve been there three times and counting. In an attempt to become regulars we’ve been making the trip to Sonoma’s border on every free weekend to enjoy their lounge-like atmosphere, delicious grub and wildly refreshing champagne. I strongly encourage you do the same.

Rediscovering Lion’s Pub
If you’ve never been, you must, especially during the holidays. Lion’s Pub is a great bar in the heart of Pac Heights because…
- Their cocktails are made with fresh ingredients! I recommend any flavor mojito and definitely the caipirinha.
- There is a fireplace. Not kidding. Great for the winter season, especially around Christmas.
- It’s conveniently located near Solstice and Fish Bowl, which make for a quick crawl route.
- The have free cheese plates. Free. Need I say more?

Dancing with SuperBad at Maggie McGarry’s
Maggie McGarry’s has and continues to be a great place for ridiculous late night dancing. Avoiding house and club music at all cost, they feature live rock and pop bands, such as SuperBad. Wizz, the bouncer at Maggie’s, says “SuperBad is my most favorite band here…They’re killer,” which, despite his creepy long hair and sullen face, I can’t argue with the man. They’re so good, my cousin Risa, who rarely stays out past 10pm, didn’t leave the dance floor until 2am! If you want to get you’re groove on, this is the spot.

Thanksgiving
No November would be complete without a turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, green bean casserole, marshmallow yams and gravy. Not unlike any family holiday, the gang gathered together in the East Bay for cooking, eating, drinking, boardgames and good times. The clan continues to grow and we’re up to 30+ these days, with 26 in attendance at this year’s feast, 32 including the 6 six dogs.

Getting together with my extended family always reminds me of everything I have to be thankful for. Friends, family and Lola make me a very lucky person. Although the Holiday Season is just kicking into high gear, take a moment to stop and enjoy it. I’m sure you have a lot to gives thanks for too. Cheers!

From the time we’ve lived together Sean and I have always agreed that I would cover the decor for Halloween and Thanksgiving and he would get Christmas. So this year was no different and our house was prepped as of October 1st for the 31st. Saturday morning Sean spent an approximate $450 at Costco to ensure we were prepared with vodka, tequila, rum, cerveza and more. Post our $3 hot dogs and sodas we were set for the day.

Knowing many people had plans for the night, we decided to start things early. Guests were arriving by 7pm and we were thrilled to see everyone’s costuming in full force…

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The idea was to leave the apartment to check out the bar scene, however this plan was quickly evaded when we heard news of long lines on Polk Street. Instead most folks stuck around for a couple rounds of Thunder and late night “shots shots shots shots shots shots shots shots shots shots shots shots everybody!.”

Around midnight only the strong survived. MDID, Christay and I were left for an all night kitchen dance party. I’m proud to say we never completely removed our three amigos outfits, despite having lost our third amigo around 11pm. It was just about dawn when we determined it best to head to the rooftop for the sun rise. Seemed like such a good idea at the time.

It wasn’t until about 8:30am that we realized the best idea was to head to bed…That Sunday I slept until about 1pm and woke up for the second day in a row completely decked out in costume.

NOTE: Friday night the girls and I hit up North Beach and the Marina as a wild band of indians, etc, etc. We assured one another we wouldn’t get crazy, but I awoke Saturday at 11am having little memory of our Union Street bar crawl.

All in all, it was a great halloween.

As we exited the cab our first sign that the evening would not be one soon forgotten came strolling before us. We had spotted Jason Jeffrey, who only one week prior I had ravaged post The California Wine Merchant. We got a good laugh as he awkwardly walked five feet in front of us the entire route to dinner.

The girls and I were in the mood for Italian, but weren’t looking for one of our regular hot spots. A local gent, assuming we were tourists, ensured us that North Beach Restaurant was the best food in Little Italy. He was most certainly incorrect, but the experience was worth it. The wait staff was very old school, with at least five servers to every table and dressed in black tuxedos complete with cummerbunds and bow ties. The second sign of a great evening ahead…the staff staches’.

We sped through dinner with the intention to mosey onto the bar scene but didn’t even make it to the maitre d before we realized there was a more than pleasant bartender right inside the restaurant. We stopped in for a limoncello-freeze and a chat.

As the scene settled at North Beach Restaurant we headed over to Amantes where the scene was just heating up! That evening they had launched their partnership with Don Pisco’s chef and were serving their new Chubby Noodle menu.

I was certain the tasty grub was bringing in the plethora of hot men, but as it turned out there were multiple bachelor parties celebrating there that night. Weird, right? It was a cock fest and I’m not talking about the Organic Fried Chicken. So, what could possibly top mutliple bachelor parties in one bar? Only the third sign that it was a great night: One of the bachelor parties was a group of 12 traveling dudes visiting from AUSTRALIA!

Immediately we purchased the groom aka “the buck” a blow job shot. He took it like a champ.

I’m not sure exactly how it happened, but the three of us became jolly good friends with the buck’s party, including the his father, brother and all of his friends.

Fast forward several cocktails, including a mind eraser…we were about done for the night.

The next thing I knew the buck, his brother and his best man were in a limo en route back to my apartment…Don’t you worry. we didn’t ruin a marriage…

The next morning everyone woke up a bit confused, but after piecing the evening together, we all got a good laugh and spent the morning just hanging out. Christie had to be at work pretty early so I left the boys at my apartment while I dropped her off at the hotel. I came back to this. They had rummaged through all of my belongings, including my costumes.

As it turns out it was only the first night of their two week long bachelor party and I’m proud to have made it memorable for them. Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty certain the buck said “He would never be able to top a story like this one.” You’re welcome.

For every senior in college, there are three significant components of your final year. These include job hunt, thesis and of course, Spring Break. In true Cozy form, we wouldn’t dare disappoint on such a momentous occassion and planned a week long getaway to Lake Mead and Las Vegas. (Lake Mead is located right outside of Vegas. It is most famously known for providing a beautiful, scenic background for the Pam and Tommy sex video tapped some years back.)

The ten girls and I booked a houseboat and carpooled the ten hours for some fun and good times. We were on the lake for something like four days, three nights. Our time was spent tanning, drinking, playing games and of course, crashing the boat…

I believe it was the second night, we decided to dock the boat in the marina and headed back on land to the local tavern. Upon entering we realized the crowd was anything but ordinary…mostly men and appeared to all actually live on the houseboats. Real classy. Aside we settled at the bar and before I could place my order, an older gentleman yelled to the bartender, “Whatever these ladies order is on me.” I of course responded with a “Thank you…you really don’t have to.” and then proceeded to order double of whatever I had originally intended to.

With such a generous ploy I felt obligated to at least sit for one drink and chat it up. What I didn’t realize is that this single decision would not only change the fate of our next 24 hours at Lake Mead, but has forever changed the way I see Las Vegas. The man behind the bankrolls of cash: Lou. (No matter how hard I tried he would not let me take a photo of his face. A little suspicious, right?)

As you can see by his canadian tuxedo and western belt buckle, you don’t expect a lot from this man at first sight. However, after talking with him, I came to learn he was head of the largest Italian drilling company in the world and helped to build all the big hotels in Vegas and, at the time, was drilling for the new Bay Bridge in SF. He claimed the movie Armageddon is based on his life, Bruce Willis playing the part of Lou. And of couse I can’t leave out that I drunk dialed President Bush and the head of the UFC. Not kidding. I actually spoke to the head of the UFC. Bush didn’t pick up. I only got his security.

Not only did he treat us to several cocktails that night, but for those of us heading into Las Vegas after our time on the houseboat, Lou introduced us to the exclusive side of Vegas.

We were in Vegas for two nights and had booked a room at the highest-end hotel, Circus Circus (so gross BTW). Lou, however, had other plans in store for us. He had reserved for us a private cabana at Caesar’s, complete with our own cabana boys and private pool. There we quickly racked up about $1000 in food and drinks… Next, he booked for us a private suite to change before we headed back to Circus Circus. Then, that night, he asked if we’d like to join him for dinner at Caesar’s best steakhouse. We sat VIP, of course, and ordered the most expensive items on the menu. At one point I ordered a cocktail and when the server said they didn’t have the ingredients to make it, Lou demanded they find the ingredients and deliver the drink immediately.

And finally, Lou said he had a surprise dessert for us. I was expecting an ice cream sundae bar, but instead Lou had flown in his son and his friends for a night out on the town with us…Right at the end of our delicious meal, Lou’s son, only a couple years our elder, showed up with his buddies, limo service and cash to take us wherever our hearts desired. What a trip!

__________________

That summer I was living out of my car post graduation and was staying in San Diego with a couple girlfriends. One night, in a very drunken stupor, I booked a hotel room in Vegas for the next day. When I woke up the next morning to find an email confirmation in my inbox, I demanded the girls call in sick to work and that we drive to Vegas for a quick getaway. (PS This is one of two times I booked a trip to Vegas and didn’t remember until the next morning.)

We spent two nights at the Excalibur, one of which we met up with Lou for drinks while he was in town on business. At the Belaggio Lounge we sat, drank and talked with Lou…I could tell he was pretty drunk when at 3am we ordered a final round of peach cocktails…Lou thought we said bowl of peaches (not sure how he got so confused) and paid the waitress $400 to find us their freshest peaches.

We left Lou shortly thereafter and headed home in our private limo back to the cheap life at Excalibur.

__________________

I haven’t kept in contact much with Lou these days…I do miss our times together…Ironically he wasn’t creepy at all. I know that seems shocking, but he is happily married, lives on a big ranch in Utah and just enjoys life…He gave me one really great piece of advice and that was to live life to it’s fullest…I try to do so everyday in the name of Lou!

Everyone I know who attended Cal Poly raves about San Luis Obispo. From the food to the shopping to the nightlife, every aspect of this small oceanside town appealed to us. The clincher? My dear friend Becky offered us her family’s casita three blocks from downtown. Sold.

Friday night we opted to stay in the city after Thurdsay’s shiza show…so we didn’t head out until Saturday.

SIDE NOTE: Thursday evening Christie, Mary and I went to Bistro AIX for a delicious meal and planning session for our upcoming weekend of fun. Several samplings of cheese and grape juice later, Blaire joined us for what would ultimately be an absolute wine-out. We closed out our evening at California Wine Merchant, where I met “Jason Jeffrey.” The rest they say is history. Literally. He was history 12 hours later.

Back to the story at hand…Saturday morning Mary, Christie and I piled into the mini for the four hour drive ahead. While intending to arrive mid-afternoon, we were distracted by brunch at Q and shopping on Clement Street here in city and didn’t arrive until approximately 6pm. Whoops. Becky’s adorable mother met us at the house to let us in. We looked like crap. Thanks to Sgt. Pepper. Apologies to Becky’s mom.

We quickly refreshed and headed downtown to Mary’s restaurant of choice, Luna Red. The place turned out to be absolutely delicious. Seriously the BEST cheese plate we have ever tasted. Not only was the cuisine outstanding, but the cocktails were too! We started off the night right with their infamous whiskey flight: The Irishman. The American. And The Candian.

After several recommendations from the restaurant staff, we headed out to Cielo Cantina, The Creeky Tiki and finally Bull’s Tavern. Naturally we felt most at home at Bull’s, as it was by far the dive-iest of them all.

Here is also where we met the key players of the night…They were as follows…

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Sunday morning we awoke hungover and barely ready to face the day. After much debate I finally arose from bed at approximately 11:30am. Our Luna Red waitress had insisted we do The Cliffs Restaurant for lunch that day, so we did our best to make it there before dinner.

The crazy thing about SLO? Every place you go has live music. It’s crazy. The Cliffs was no different and after sending them a shot of tequila, the members of Northstar Session, Dave, Kane and Matt, joined us for an afternoon of boozing and games.

Post several hours of King’s Cup, it was about time we had some substance. So around 8:30pm we were ready to head back to the house, clean ourselves up and have some dinner back downtown. We made it out just in time for every restaurant to no longer be serving food…that is until we came across Novo. Novo happens to be owned by the same family as Luna Red, where we had previously dined the night before. Shockingly, the owner recognized us and seated us as their last table of the evening.

I’m not sure how, but the Novo staff seemed to instantly fall victim to our advances. Fast forward to 3am, we (Mary, Christie, owner, manager, waiter and myself) were sitting at a table on the heated outdoor patio, red wine flowing and card games fully underway. I’m pretty sure we left around 4am…things were a bit hazy. I am certain, however, we had to walk through the famous creek to get home since the restaurant was completely shut down at this point. Classy.

Monday we hit up the infamous Firestone Grill. Thank goodness for their steak sandwiches, onion rings and fries. Although despite my best efforts, even their greasy grub couldn’t cure me. Check out my look on the ride home. FML.

I miss college.