Below is a collection of inappropriate quotations gathered during any given Saturday or Sunday brunch. These are direct and indirect one-liners, unrelated to one another and paraphrased from strangers, friends, family, lovers and my own filthy mouth alike. Happy reading…

• The gentlemen sitting next to us picked up $150 towards our happy hour tab because we were “entertaining.” The downside? The four of us still owed $180. Not including tip.
• He couldn’t have been a day over 50 years old.
• We asked the couple eating dinner on the restaurant side of La Barca if we can use their knife to cut open her Santa costume, so she could hook up with him in the bathroom with greater ease.
• Turn around. I had sex with the man sitting in the backseat. Say hi.
• Sorry for waking all of you up at 3am last night. We really thought there was a tsunami coming. I guess liquor and the Emergency Broadcast System aren’t a great mix.
• His penis was pierced. I think I’m going to need a tetanus shot.
• Turns out I broke my ankle on the wine bus yesterday. No surprise it’s pretty swollen since I didn’t realize the severity of the injury and stayed out dancing until 3am.
• He lives with his girlfriend?! Well that would explain why he didn’t stay the night…But it doesn’t explain why he asked me out on a date for next Monday.
• I came home from running errands this morning and the guys from the Australian bachelor party who came home with me last night were dressed up in my costumes and had just gotten off the phone with my mom. That’s weird, right?
• I think I did crack last night. Can someone google crack?
• Just called (insert the name of any Marina or North Beach bar). They have my credit card.*
• So the last thing you remember is taking a nap in a bush and the next was waking up in a hospital?*
• I took 8 UberCabs this weekend. Is that excessive?*
• Thank gawd I wore two shirts. I just threw up on myself in the bathroom.
• The next thing I knew all of you had left, I was alone and behind the bar DJing with that bartender who we call “Taint.”
• We both randomly woke up at the same time and ran into one another in the hallway. Since neither of us knew where we were, we went through the mail so we could find out a name and address before the guys woke up. Genius.
• Nope. You were kicked out of their last night. You did not leave of your own accord.*
• Even though he was Mormon I got to third base.
• He showed up at the after party to hook up with her, but he ended up in bed with me.
• Did you perform a choreographed striptease last night in front of all of us, or was that a horrifying figment of my imagination?*
• How did we get home last night?*

*Quotes that have been stated on more than one occasion.

Ongoing
Every Thursday: Nightlife at California Academy of Sciences

April
Friday, April 6: A’s Home Opener Game
Friday, April 13: Giants Home Opener Game
Sunday, April 19: Opening Day on the Bay
Saturday, April 28: San Francisco International Beerfest

May
Sunday, April 29: 2011 Opening Day on the Bay
Saturday, May 5: Cinco de Mayo &  SCU Day at the Giants
Saturday, May 19: O’Reily’s Beer & Oyster Festival & Uncorked Wine Festival
Sunday, May 20: Bay to Breakers
Saturday, May 26 & Sunday, May 27: Carnaval

June
Friday, June 1 – Friday, June 15: Dine About Town
Saturday, June 2 & Sunday, June 3: Union Street Festival
Sunday, June 10: Haight Street Faire
Saturday, June 16 & Sunday, June 17: North Beach Festival
June 17 through August 28: Stern Grove Music Festival
Saturday, June 23 & Sunday, June 24: San Francisco Pride

July
Wednesday, July 4 Independence Day: Fireworks on the Bay
Saturday, July 2 & Sunday, July 3: Fillmore Jazz Festival

August
Mid-August: Dates TBD: Outside Lands Music Festival

September
Friday, September 1 – Sunday, September 3: Sausalito Art & Wine Festival
Saturday, September 8 & Sunday, September 9: Ghirardelli Square Chocolate Festival
Saturday, September 15 & Sunday, September 16: International Dragon Boat Festival
Saturday, September 22 & Sunday, September 23: Polk Street Jazz Festival
Sunday, September 23: Folsom Street Faire
Friday, September 28: Oktoberfest by the Bay

October
Friday, October 5 through Sunday, October 7: Hardly Strictly Bluegrass Festival
Sunday, October 7: Castro Street Faire
Thursday, October 4 – Monday, October 8: Fleet Week
Saturday, October 13 & Sunday, October 15: Half Moon Bay’s Pumpkin Festival & Treasure Island Music Festival

• Man in Unit #2 Who was officially the tiniest asian stoner I’d ever met. I never witnessed him in a sober state. Never.
• Woman in Unit #3 Who sold drugs and sex…Not literally of course. She was in pharmaceutical sales and sold sex toys to housewives on the side, but doesn’t it sound more fun to say drugs and sex?!
• Woman in Unit #5 Who partied with the likes of Steven Tyler and consistently passed out in our hallway because she couldn’t make it up the next two flights of stairs.
• Men & Women in Unit #6 Who still to this day prove to be the most awesome wastes of life a friend can have. Well at least two of them are.

On Filbert I felt comfortable and at home, and was admittedly nervous about what crazies would be living next to us in Fort Mason. That was until I met the following: Shaggin’ Wagon, D-Pain, El Presidente, Vin-Tatum, Alaska, Australia and Texas Hold ‘Em. (Oh and yes. These are their code names. I promised to respect their privacy and protect their identities.)

In the last three weeks these folks have proven to be everything I could ever ask for in a neighbor. They’ve supported us during a trash bust, shared a laugh over family dinner, provided wingman support at the bar, dance partied in our living room, rolled through the hills of Fort Mason, played king’s cup for hours at a time, flip cupped in the rain, and raged through the wee hours of the night, even on a Sunday.

And if all of the above wasn’t enough to know it was fate that we were all to live together, I most certainly knew when during a week night family dinner, D-Pain showed us this:

Yes. This is an incredibly inappropriate photo of two people incredibly drunk hooking up on D-Pain’s brand new bed set. But instead of stopping them to let them know that no window treatments had been installed and that all of the party attendees could see their dirty deed or just to say get the hell off my bed, he snapped this picture and shared it with all of us over a good hardy laugh.

(And no, the two hooking up are not anyone that I know. And yes, they do still have their shoes on.)

So on Sunday, January 1, hungover as all hell, I packed up my shiza and moved the five blocks to a new humble abode. Within approximately 48 hours Merry and I had settled in, thanks to our bribed friends and family, and were ready to embark on what we knew would be an absolute shit show of a time.

In the seventeen days we’ve lived here we’ve come to discover the following: Living in Fort Mason is exactly like going to summer sleep-away camp, but with booze and discretionary funds at your disposal.

Our situation is unique in that the group of houses on our block have been recently renovated and upon their completion, all of the neighbors moved in simultaneously. Being part of the Golden Gate National Park, each tenant was screened and selected based on a very prescriptive set of criteria. This has resulted in a group of financially sound adults, open to living in a community-oriented environment, i.e. people ready and willing to rage.

My only concern moving to Fort Mason has been that of our personal safety. Not to say I couldn’t hold my own, but stumbling home from the bars at 2am and walking through a pitch black forest would make any lady nervous. Despite purchasing matching headlamps to avert rapists and crazies, Merry and I still felt uneasy about the situation…That was until we met the Fort Mason “Camp Counselors” or more commonly known as members of the National Park Federal Police (NPFP) and San Francisco Fire Department (SFFD).

This past weekend marked our first to opportunity to play at our new place and in the 72 hours celebrating the civil rights preached by MLK, we had six visits from the NPFP and three visits from the SFFD. I will note only one of the instances actually involved any illegal activity (i.e. accidentally dumping trash in the wrong trash. not kidding), the eight other visits gave us quite the reputation amongst the two groups of officials, as well as our neighbors.

All in all month one of thirty-six has started off with a bang (read into that how you please) and between the men in uniform and, of I forgot to mention, the bevy of single dude neighbors, we’re sure to have a safe, pleasant and happy tomorrow.

Thursday, December 8: The Trolley Crawl..and I Get Schnokered on Schnapps
As we have for the last couple of years, the holiday trolley crawl always proves to be a must for the season. Knowing what a crazy weekend I had in store, I had cleverly prepared and had taken Friday off of work. This, knowingly, provided permission to my shiza-show-self to get extra holiday schnockered on schnapps during the trolley ride.

We met at Campus whereby a group of about 30 people joined the staff of our trolley and headed out to see the San Francisco city lights. We had the most amazing bartender, Rhonda, who served the stiffest drinks.

NOTE: I’m 99% certain she’s been our bartender before. This time, however, Greg had innocently misinformed her to have on board extra vodka, but since I had started the 7&7 trend, we drank through several bottles of seagrams instead.

During our ride, we drove through Pac Heights, Union Square, the Financial and up to Coit Tower. The view from the top was magnificent. Perfectly clear. It made for the perfect location to pop a squat. I’m not sure who took a series of photos on my camera phone at that point, but this is the most legible one I found.

From Coit we headed down to The Buena Vista for an Irish Coffee or two. From here things are a bit blurry…I recall a beach, a stalker, a new friend and then back to Campus. Facebook tells me I closed out the night with a wicked game of cards at Monaghan’s with Pat.  All in all, a good night for Christmas.

Friday December 9: Upstairs Dance Party…and It Goes All Night
Thursday night’s hangover lasted a little too long into Friday afternoon for my liking, but after being awoken by my two lovely man companions, Shanny, I was up and ready to face the day, in bed. I suppose it was around 6pm when I finally mustered the energy to shower and get all dolled up for Christie, Milo and Lauren’s 6th Annual Christmas Party.

Christie had gone all out this year. The apartment was filled with holiday cheer and lots of beer. All our friends were there and Christie’s punch you in the face punch knocked the dance right out of us. It was around 12am when the police finally stopped by, of their own accord, because Whitney Houston’s “I Want to Dance with Somebody” was blasting out of the fourth floor windows.

No warning could stop us. At this point only the strong survived. This is us doing the traditional peppermint patty shots late night.

I’m not sure how it happened, but the next thing I know it was 5:30am and I was hanging out with DTD and a bouncer from The Bus Stop named Yuri. Luckily I did manage to squeeze in a couple hours of sleep before I had to be ready to host brunch at our place before Santacon.

Saturday, December 10: Santacon…and a There’s a Shit-ton of Santas
By 9am I was up and costumed while Sean was already at the oven cooking up some tots, eggs and what seemed like 27 different types of sausage. From our house we hopped on the bus and headed down to Civic Center to begin marching.

In the past several years I’ve always started Santacon before the official 12pm call, however, I’ve never actually started at Civic Center, so this year we made it a priority.

Highlights from the rest of the day include sake bombs at 1pm, dancing down Polk Street behind a 6-person bike and amazing sound system, bad santas, naked santas, Christie’s parents at Savoy and finally closing out the night at our favorite spot, Marengo. (I’m shocked they served us too.) While I didn’t make it to 2am this year, I feel like I really did put my best food forward in scaring children by dressing up as a shiza-faced-santa-claus, forever ruining their image of the man who they thought only enjoyed milk.

Hope you have a very merry holiday. Cheers!

Saturday, December 4: Christmas Parties…and The Project Returns
The day was filled with cleaning our our apartment in prep for the move on January 1. My parents were in town to help me declutter, which meant no rest to be had as we worked from 9 to 5 cleaning out my hoarded shiza. That night, the parentals peaced out, the girls cooked at our place, with what little kitchenware I had not packed, and we readied ourselves for a night on the town.

We first hit up Kellan, Laura & Blaire’s Holiday Party on Fillmore. Both Kellan and Laura are amazing chefs and had whipped up a plethora of sweets and savories, including these amazing chorizo stuffed dates wrapped in bacon. Mmm good. After several Rosemary-Cran Vodka Tonics, we headed over to KT’s for the Boy’s Christmas Party.

Previously my number one favorite spot in the city, KT’s, has recently dropped to one of my least favorites. I’ve given it many an opportunity to redeem itself under the new management, but Saturday was the last straw. While those we knew provided great company and the 7&7′s contained the right amount of 7, the security blew. The space was overcrowded, Christie’s phone was stolen and they had let in one too many bridge and tunnel folks for my liking. I always know it’s a bad spot when I only have one photo to show for remembering I was there…

It was around midnight when we gave up on KT’s and headed up to Lion’s Den to meet up with MDID (i.e. Mike, Doug & Indian Doug). Everything was going great until “The Project” walked in. You may recall this man from February’s President’s Day Weekend shiza show. Quite honestly I barely recognized him…at this point things were pretty fuzzy, the bar was dark and I had worked hard to black out any photographic memories of him (no pun intended). He first approached Mary and shockingly remembered her name. (Creepy, right? I would give my left limb to go back in time and take a photo of the expression on Mary’s face as he walked up to give her a hug and say hi.)

Over the course of the next hour I utilized many tactics to avoid “The Project,” including, but not limited to, personal bodyguards, literally hiding under the bar, Mary’s verbal and extremely offensive insults, and at the very end of the night escaping to M&IDs apartment. “The Project’s” final words were, “So, are we gonna leave here and have some sex?” I mean who says that?! Really?! Thank gawd the boys can prove to be gentlemen when the time is right. So gross. Thanks for spreading the Christmas cheer “The Project.”

More to come from weekend number two…

Friday night started like any other, dinner and drinks with the girls. We decided to give Brixton another chance for a meal, so it was Christie, Mary, Blaire and I there for the evening. After a full feast of truffled deviled eggs, fried chicken salad and several John Daly’s, we headed to none other than the Mauna Loa to meet up with the crew.

Luckily I was able to continue my cocktail trend with John Daly’s, the Loa’s daily special, at $5 each. However, somewhere between Pop-a-Shot and a game of I’ve Never things got a little blurry. Next thing I know we’re in Doug’s new apartment, which featured awkwardly posed childhood photos of him, Mary and their cocker spaniel.

I’d like to think I was high and imagining such ridiculousness, but unfortunately I wasn’t. I heart Mary and Doug!

Next we headed to Fiddler’s Green for some dancing and flirting with post college-age men, or shall I say boys. The night quickly came to a close and the DJ was suddenly making last call. In an attempt to avoid Pier 39 cab mayhem, we walked up the street and away from the bar.

I know I sound like a total wuss, but after only a couple blocks my ankle was killing me (see Cinco de Mayo for details on that) and I separated from the group. I’m proud to say I’m incredibly crafty when it comes to poppin’ a squat and have friends good enough to pick me up in a cab before anyone caught onto my public indecency.

In the spirit of those at Fiddler’s we closed the night out at McEvoy’s after party back in the hood. What seemed like a throw back frat party, was a bunch of 30 year olds drinking bud light and cheap vodka crowded around a table of flip cup. After only ten minutes there, I was somehow drenched in beer and my new silk top was ripped right down the front. The silver lining? My hair had a phenomenal sheen Saturday morning. The downside? Explaining to Anna, my alterations he/she, how my top ended up split right down my cleavage.

After only a couple hours of sleep that night it was no surprise we were all running late and hungover for Beer & Oyster Festival Saturday morning…The day and the festival were amazing. I ultimately proved to Mary that nine drink tokens was not a good idea, it was a great idea! Enjoy…

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And of course after several rounds of margaritas, we headed back to the hood…Shocking, but with these two on the side of the road, it took quite a while to catch a ride.

Unfortunately on my way into the bar, I somehow managed to roll my ankle and before we could hit up Union Street, I had to change into flats. FML.

From our apartment we arrived to Marengo, grabbed some whiskey at the bar and then several mini burgers and fries!

That night Christie had to hold me up as I hobbled home on my one good foot. Sadly no amount of margaritas or whiskey could make the pain go away…but I did put my best foot forward. (Ha! Get it?!)

When I moved to San Francisco five years ago, I knew inherently I was a fan of what it meant to feel connected to a team. For me, it’s not about the RBIs (much to many’s dismay), but it’s about what a team does for a city and it’s people. The Giants did this in a BIG way last season and it was completely amazing to live through it.

Only a couple weeks ago I couldn’t resist the temptation of celebrating that comradery and watching the Giant’s first home game from the stadium. Assuming I wouldn’t have been able to get the time off of work I hadn’t purchased tickets, but once I found out they were letting people out early for the game, I immediately called up Mary to meet me at the park.

Since we couldn’t afford to enter the four walls of AT&T, Willie Mays Plaza would have to do. So we hit up Mijita for some sangria and delicious fresh mex!

Unfortunately and fortunately the game was 12 innings long…a struggle for fans, but a win for boozers. Needless to say, we were a bit tipsy by the final cheer for the Giants.

After the game we met up with Christie and Barbs at Mars Bar aka Brannan and 7th…what a walk. Ultimately we ended up back near the hood in North Beach at Calzones. We were a bit “tired” at this point but somehow still managed to make it through the night…

The next morning, with little on our to do list, we decided to hit up East Side West for a little brunch and a lot of sun.

After several hours of hanging out, playing cards and a lot of laughs, we were thrilled to hear our pal Taz was in town and wanted to meet up.

So we headed up to Mauna Loa’s to watch the Giants Game. There Blaire, Mary, Taz and I enjoyed the game and the banter of a blacked out dude from SoCal who hated the Giants. He seemed at the time, however, to hate anything and everything except boobies.

The details of the rest of the evening are a bit inconsequential…We made it out until around midnight, when I finally insisted to Mary that I wasn’t a loser if I wanted/needed to go home. She finally agreed when she saw me sitting alone at the bar and unbeknownst to him, petting a strange man’s fleece jacket. Cue Escape from NY Pizza.

Sunday, I awoke early with the plan to meet some ladies for brunch, but after a stressful parking search, I headed back home to set up for our Sunday Sausage Fest. I had invited the Sausage Prince, Bobby, over on the terms he supplied us with a plethora of Adelle’s meats. We enjoyed sausages and meatballs galore as we watched the final game of the three day series. It was a good ending to our opening day weekend celebration!

Oh and if you haven’t seen it already, check it out. Go Giants!

So we headed to Forbes Island for dinner and Smuggler’s Cove for cocktails. If you don’t know much about these venues, I highly recommend you take a look at their websites.

I have been to Forbes Island one time prior and it was amazing (See Hidden Treasure), however our last trip was a weeknight and we clearly had not made the most of our trek out there. This time eight of us headed to Forbes for an underwater dinner and went all out.

Not only did we order an extravagant amount of food, as well as copious amounts of wine and cocktails, but we made a scene for the duration of our meal with inappropriate banter and story telling. After closing out our $800 tab, we decided to belly up to the bar to enjoy the company of our boat captain and bartender, Pierre. Incredibly warm and friendly, the staff encouraged us to head upstairs to enjoy our Bailey’s & Coffee on the upper deck in the “Sea Lion Room.”

The Sea Lion Room is all windows, facing the beautiful city landscape, and best of all, containing an iPod player. So what did we do? Plugged in my phone and began a dance off. After about two hours, several stray hat fashion shows and shots of Jameson and Yager, we closed down the island and headed back to the shore for some rum punch in the face at Sumggler’s Cove. The night ended with an aggressive feast and “Sweet Caroline” sing-a-long at Mel’s. Yes Mel’s.

All in all, Mary’s birthday celebration was a success. The next day I was in bed until around 2pm when I awoke to this email from Christie:

We weren’t terribly concerned about having made such a scene at Forbes, but I never expected such a warm welcome back.

Happy Birthday Mary!