My New Home in Fort Mason: An Adult Summer Camp

Posted on January 17, 2012 by Denise

As you may or may not know on December 31 of 2011, I left the confines of my Filbert Street apartment and embarked on an all new adventure with my dear friend Merry. Although incredibly sad to leave my two roomies, Shanny, the time had come for a homebase upgrade.

So on Sunday, January 1, hungover as all hell, I packed up my shiza and moved the five blocks to a new humble abode. Within approximately 48 hours Merry and I had settled in, thanks to our bribed friends and family, and were ready to embark on what we knew would be an absolute shit show of a time.

In the seventeen days we’ve lived here we’ve come to discover the following: Living in Fort Mason is exactly like going to summer sleep-away camp, but with booze and discretionary funds at your disposal.

Our situation is unique in that the group of houses on our block have been recently renovated and upon their completion, all of the neighbors moved in simultaneously. Being part of the Golden Gate National Park, each tenant was screened and selected based on a very prescriptive set of criteria. This has resulted in a group of financially sound adults, open to living in a community-oriented environment, i.e. people ready and willing to rage.

My only concern moving to Fort Mason has been that of our personal safety. Not to say I couldn’t hold my own, but stumbling home from the bars at 2am and walking through a pitch black forest would make any lady nervous. Despite purchasing matching headlamps to avert rapists and crazies, Merry and I still felt uneasy about the situation…That was until we met the Fort Mason “Camp Counselors” or more commonly known as members of the National Park Federal Police (NPFP) and San Francisco Fire Department (SFFD).

This past weekend marked our first to opportunity to play at our new place and in the 72 hours celebrating the civil rights preached by MLK, we had six visits from the NPFP and three visits from the SFFD. I will note only one of the instances actually involved any illegal activity (i.e. accidentally dumping trash in the wrong trash. not kidding), the eight other visits gave us quite the reputation amongst the two groups of officials, as well as our neighbors.

All in all month one of thirty-six has started off with a bang (read into that how you please) and between the men in uniform and, of I forgot to mention, the bevy of single dude neighbors, we’re sure to have a safe, pleasant and happy tomorrow.

Happy Holiday Recap: Part Two of Two

Posted on December 26, 2011 by Denise

The frenzy continues with the second weekend of Christmas craziness…

Thursday, December 8: The Trolley Crawl..and I Get Schnokered on Schnapps
As we have for the last couple of years, the holiday trolley crawl always proves to be a must for the season. Knowing what a crazy weekend I had in store, I had cleverly prepared and had taken Friday off of work. This, knowingly, provided permission to my shiza-show-self to get extra holiday schnockered on schnapps during the trolley ride.

We met at Campus whereby a group of about 30 people joined the staff of our trolley and headed out to see the San Francisco city lights. We had the most amazing bartender, Rhonda, who served the stiffest drinks.

NOTE: I’m 99% certain she’s been our bartender before. This time, however, Greg had innocently misinformed her to have on board extra vodka, but since I had started the 7&7 trend, we drank through several bottles of seagrams instead.

During our ride, we drove through Pac Heights, Union Square, the Financial and up to Coit Tower. The view from the top was magnificent. Perfectly clear. It made for the perfect location to pop a squat. I’m not sure who took a series of photos on my camera phone at that point, but this is the most legible one I found.

From Coit we headed down to The Buena Vista for an Irish Coffee or two. From here things are a bit blurry…I recall a beach, a stalker, a new friend and then back to Campus. Facebook tells me I closed out the night with a wicked game of cards at Monaghan’s with Pat. All in all, a good night for Christmas.

Friday December 9: Upstairs Dance Party…and It Goes All Night
Thursday night’s hangover lasted a little too long into Friday afternoon for my liking, but after being awoken by my two lovely man companions, Shanny, I was up and ready to face the day, in bed. I suppose it was around 6pm when I finally mustered the energy to shower and get all dolled up for Christie, Milo and Lauren’s 6th Annual Christmas Party.

Christie had gone all out this year. The apartment was filled with holiday cheer and lots of beer. All our friends were there and Christie’s punch you in the face punch knocked the dance right out of us. It was around 12am when the police finally stopped by, of their own accord, because Whitney Houston’s “I Want to Dance with Somebody” was blasting out of the fourth floor windows.

No warning could stop us. At this point only the strong survived. This is us doing the traditional peppermint patty shots late night.

I’m not sure how it happened, but the next thing I know it was 5:30am and I was hanging out with DTD and a bouncer from The Bus Stop named Yuri. Luckily I did manage to squeeze in a couple hours of sleep before I had to be ready to host brunch at our place before Santacon.

Saturday, December 10: Santacon…and a There’s a Shit-ton of Santas
By 9am I was up and costumed while Sean was already at the oven cooking up some tots, eggs and what seemed like 27 different types of sausage. From our house we hopped on the bus and headed down to Civic Center to begin marching.

In the past several years I’ve always started Santacon before the official 12pm call, however, I’ve never actually started at Civic Center, so this year we made it a priority.

Highlights from the rest of the day include sake bombs at 1pm, dancing down Polk Street behind a 6-person bike and amazing sound system, bad santas, naked santas, Christie’s parents at Savoy and finally closing out the night at our favorite spot, Marengo. (I’m shocked they served us too.) While I didn’t make it to 2am this year, I feel like I really did put my best food forward in scaring children by dressing up as a shiza-faced-santa-claus, forever ruining their image of the man who they thought only enjoyed milk.

Hope you have a very merry holiday. Cheers!

Happy Holiday Recap: Part One of Two

Posted on December 20, 2011 by Denise

As quickly as November flew by, so did December…Tis the season I suppose…Lucky for me, the first week of the month I spent housesitting in the East Bay. It was the perfect opportunity to rest up and ready myself for the barrage of holiday happy hours, Christmas parties and seasonal social events. Upon returning to the city, the reindeer games began.

Saturday, December 4: Christmas Parties…and The Project Returns
The day was filled with cleaning our our apartment in prep for the move on January 1. My parents were in town to help me declutter, which meant no rest to be had as we worked from 9 to 5 cleaning out my hoarded shiza. That night, the parentals peaced out, the girls cooked at our place, with what little kitchenware I had not packed, and we readied ourselves for a night on the town.

We first hit up Kellan, Laura & Blaire’s Holiday Party on Fillmore. Both Kellan and Laura are amazing chefs and had whipped up a plethora of sweets and savories, including these amazing chorizo stuffed dates wrapped in bacon. Mmm good. After several Rosemary-Cran Vodka Tonics, we headed over to KT’s for the Boy’s Christmas Party.

Previously my number one favorite spot in the city, KT’s, has recently dropped to one of my least favorites. I’ve given it many an opportunity to redeem itself under the new management, but Saturday was the last straw. While those we knew provided great company and the 7&7′s contained the right amount of 7, the security blew. The space was overcrowded, Christie’s phone was stolen and they had let in one too many bridge and tunnel folks for my liking. I always know it’s a bad spot when I only have one photo to show for remembering I was there…

It was around midnight when we gave up on KT’s and headed up to Lion’s Den to meet up with MDID (i.e. Mike, Doug & Indian Doug). Everything was going great until “The Project” walked in. You may recall this man from February’s President’s Day Weekend shiza show. Quite honestly I barely recognized him…at this point things were pretty fuzzy, the bar was dark and I had worked hard to black out any photographic memories of him (no pun intended). He first approached Mary and shockingly remembered her name. (Creepy, right? I would give my left limb to go back in time and take a photo of the expression on Mary’s face as he walked up to give her a hug and say hi.)

Over the course of the next hour I utilized many tactics to avoid “The Project,” including, but not limited to, personal bodyguards, literally hiding under the bar, Mary’s verbal and extremely offensive insults, and at the very end of the night escaping to M&IDs apartment. “The Project’s” final words were, “So, are we gonna leave here and have some sex?” I mean who says that?! Really?! Thank gawd the boys can prove to be gentlemen when the time is right. So gross. Thanks for spreading the Christmas cheer “The Project.”

More to come from weekend number two…

Our Final Halloween at The 1556

Posted on November 6, 2011 by Denise

Fall is a season of change…the leaves, the breeze and for us, a move is in the air. With this as our last Halloween together Shanny and I decided to throw a little get together…

From the time we’ve lived together Sean and I have always agreed that I would cover the decor for Halloween and Thanksgiving and he would get Christmas. So this year was no different and our house was prepped as of October 1st for the 31st. Saturday morning Sean spent an approximate $450 at Costco to ensure we were prepared with vodka, tequila, rum, cerveza and more. Post our $3 hot dogs and sodas we were set for the day.

Knowing many people had plans for the night, we decided to start things early. Guests were arriving by 7pm and we were thrilled to see everyone’s costuming in full force…

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The idea was to leave the apartment to check out the bar scene, however this plan was quickly evaded when we heard news of long lines on Polk Street. Instead most folks stuck around for a couple rounds of Thunder and late night “shots shots shots shots shots shots shots shots shots shots shots shots everybody!.”

Around midnight only the strong survived. MDID, Christay and I were left for an all night kitchen dance party. I’m proud to say we never completely removed our three amigos outfits, despite having lost our third amigo around 11pm. It was just about dawn when we determined it best to head to the rooftop for the sun rise. Seemed like such a good idea at the time.

It wasn’t until about 8:30am that we realized the best idea was to head to bed…That Sunday I slept until about 1pm and woke up for the second day in a row completely decked out in costume.

NOTE: Friday night the girls and I hit up North Beach and the Marina as a wild band of indians, etc, etc. We assured one another we wouldn’t get crazy, but I awoke Saturday at 11am having little memory of our Union Street bar crawl.

All in all, it was a great halloween.

Thunder from Down Under…But Not the Strippers

Posted on October 21, 2011 by Denise

This Friday night started like every other…The girls and I had a couple starter cocktails at my apartment, then headed over to North Beach for some grub and an evening on the town.

As we exited the cab our first sign that the evening would not be one soon forgotten came strolling before us. We had spotted Jason Jeffrey, who only one week prior I had ravaged post The California Wine Merchant. We got a good laugh as he awkwardly walked five feet in front of us the entire route to dinner.

The girls and I were in the mood for Italian, but weren’t looking for one of our regular hot spots. A local gent, assuming we were tourists, ensured us that North Beach Restaurant was the best food in Little Italy. He was most certainly incorrect, but the experience was worth it. The wait staff was very old school, with at least five servers to every table and dressed in black tuxedos complete with cummerbunds and bow ties. The second sign of a great evening ahead…the staff staches’.

We sped through dinner with the intention to mosey onto the bar scene but didn’t even make it to the maitre d before we realized there was a more than pleasant bartender right inside the restaurant. We stopped in for a limoncello-freeze and a chat.

As the scene settled at North Beach Restaurant we headed over to Amantes where the scene was just heating up! That evening they had launched their partnership with Don Pisco’s chef and were serving their new Chubby Noodle menu.

I was certain the tasty grub was bringing in the plethora of hot men, but as it turned out there were multiple bachelor parties celebrating there that night. Weird, right? It was a cock fest and I’m not talking about the Organic Fried Chicken. So, what could possibly top mutliple bachelor parties in one bar? Only the third sign that it was a great night: One of the bachelor parties was a group of 12 traveling dudes visiting from AUSTRALIA!

Immediately we purchased the groom aka “the buck” a blow job shot. He took it like a champ.

I’m not sure exactly how it happened, but the three of us became jolly good friends with the buck’s party, including the his father, brother and all of his friends.

Fast forward several cocktails, including a mind eraser…we were about done for the night.

The next thing I knew the buck, his brother and his best man were in a limo en route back to my apartment…Don’t you worry. we didn’t ruin a marriage…

The next morning everyone woke up a bit confused, but after piecing the evening together, we all got a good laugh and spent the morning just hanging out. Christie had to be at work pretty early so I left the boys at my apartment while I dropped her off at the hotel. I came back to this. They had rummaged through all of my belongings, including my costumes.

As it turns out it was only the first night of their two week long bachelor party and I’m proud to have made it memorable for them. Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty certain the buck said “He would never be able to top a story like this one.” You’re welcome.

How Lou Showed Us the Better Side of Vegas

Posted on October 18, 2011 by Denise

You may recognize this post from a year back, however I was recently contacted by Lou’s assistant who politely asked I remove his complete name, as it was the third item to show on Google search…Here’s the story sans the surname. Enjoy…

For every senior in college, there are three significant components of your final year. These include job hunt, thesis and of course, Spring Break. In true Cozy form, we wouldn’t dare disappoint on such a momentous occassion and planned a week long getaway to Lake Mead and Las Vegas. (Lake Mead is located right outside of Vegas. It is most famously known for providing a beautiful, scenic background for the Pam and Tommy sex video tapped some years back.)

The ten girls and I booked a houseboat and carpooled the ten hours for some fun and good times. We were on the lake for something like four days, three nights. Our time was spent tanning, drinking, playing games and of course, crashing the boat…

I believe it was the second night, we decided to dock the boat in the marina and headed back on land to the local tavern. Upon entering we realized the crowd was anything but ordinary…mostly men and appeared to all actually live on the houseboats. Real classy. Aside we settled at the bar and before I could place my order, an older gentleman yelled to the bartender, “Whatever these ladies order is on me.” I of course responded with a “Thank you…you really don’t have to.” and then proceeded to order double of whatever I had originally intended to.

With such a generous ploy I felt obligated to at least sit for one drink and chat it up. What I didn’t realize is that this single decision would not only change the fate of our next 24 hours at Lake Mead, but has forever changed the way I see Las Vegas. The man behind the bankrolls of cash: Lou. (No matter how hard I tried he would not let me take a photo of his face. A little suspicious, right?)

As you can see by his canadian tuxedo and western belt buckle, you don’t expect a lot from this man at first sight. However, after talking with him, I came to learn he was head of the largest Italian drilling company in the world and helped to build all the big hotels in Vegas and, at the time, was drilling for the new Bay Bridge in SF. He claimed the movie Armageddon is based on his life, Bruce Willis playing the part of Lou. And of couse I can’t leave out that I drunk dialed President Bush and the head of the UFC. Not kidding. I actually spoke to the head of the UFC. Bush didn’t pick up. I only got his security.

Not only did he treat us to several cocktails that night, but for those of us heading into Las Vegas after our time on the houseboat, Lou introduced us to the exclusive side of Vegas.

We were in Vegas for two nights and had booked a room at the highest-end hotel, Circus Circus (so gross BTW). Lou, however, had other plans in store for us. He had reserved for us a private cabana at Caesar’s, complete with our own cabana boys and private pool. There we quickly racked up about $1000 in food and drinks… Next, he booked for us a private suite to change before we headed back to Circus Circus. Then, that night, he asked if we’d like to join him for dinner at Caesar’s best steakhouse. We sat VIP, of course, and ordered the most expensive items on the menu. At one point I ordered a cocktail and when the server said they didn’t have the ingredients to make it, Lou demanded they find the ingredients and deliver the drink immediately.

And finally, Lou said he had a surprise dessert for us. I was expecting an ice cream sundae bar, but instead Lou had flown in his son and his friends for a night out on the town with us…Right at the end of our delicious meal, Lou’s son, only a couple years our elder, showed up with his buddies, limo service and cash to take us wherever our hearts desired. What a trip!

__________________

That summer I was living out of my car post graduation and was staying in San Diego with a couple girlfriends. One night, in a very drunken stupor, I booked a hotel room in Vegas for the next day. When I woke up the next morning to find an email confirmation in my inbox, I demanded the girls call in sick to work and that we drive to Vegas for a quick getaway. (PS This is one of two times I booked a trip to Vegas and didn’t remember until the next morning.)

We spent two nights at the Excalibur, one of which we met up with Lou for drinks while he was in town on business. At the Belaggio Lounge we sat, drank and talked with Lou…I could tell he was pretty drunk when at 3am we ordered a final round of peach cocktails…Lou thought we said bowl of peaches (not sure how he got so confused) and paid the waitress $400 to find us their freshest peaches.

We left Lou shortly thereafter and headed home in our private limo back to the cheap life at Excalibur.

__________________

I haven’t kept in contact much with Lou these days…I do miss our times together…Ironically he wasn’t creepy at all. I know that seems shocking, but he is happily married, lives on a big ranch in Utah and just enjoys life…He gave me one really great piece of advice and that was to live life to it’s fullest…I try to do so everyday in the name of Lou!

This Guy is Weird. No Offense to Him. But Seriously.

Posted on August 29, 2011 by Denise

So stalker may be a bit of an exaggeration, but this dude has been out at the same places the last two weekends and he’s weird.

Exhibit A
This is him staring. Creepy.

Exhibit B
This is him outside of Buckshot waiting in line to come inside. I think he might have caught me pointing. Whoopsie.

I’ll keep you posted (pun intended) on any future sightings.

Mexico…The Reason I Can’t Travel with Christie

Posted on July 28, 2011 by Denise

It’s been a couple weeks since Christie and I returned from our famed four day extravaganza in Cabo San Lucas. Perhaps you’ve heard a couple of the stories, but in case you haven’t, here’s what I’m willing to share…

It was only seven days prior to what ultimately ended up to be our departure date, that I received a call from Christie with the news there were $280 round trip tickets to Mexico available for the next week. We had absolutely no plan for a vacation, but after a very brief text exchange we deemed it necessary we take advantage of this great deal.

Flash forward to Wednesday morning, passports and luggage in tow, we were on our way to SFO Terminal 2 Virgin Airlines for our flight to Cabo.

Thanks to our friends in the sky, we received several free cocktails en route and were quite, let’s call it, relaxed by the time we touched down. Landing at almost 5pm we were ready for a drink and some dinner, but first we had to check into our resort. This is the view to which we were greeted…Perfection.

We checked into our room and settled in for the evening. After an outstanding meal at the five star restaurant on property, we enjoyed an after dinner cocktail and even got the opportunity to meet their head chef! Of course she didn’t speak english, so it was a very brief encounter.

Aside, we closed out the night early and saved ourselves up for a very long day ahead. We awoke early Thursday morning for our appointments at the spa. After a couple treatments and some well earned time in the sauna and steam room, we headed over to the adult pool for some lunch and cocktails at the swim up bar.

Let me preface the next part of our story with the following: Prior to leaving for our trip, both Christie and I received long lectures from our mothers to avoid certain things in Mexico. For example, we were to not drink the water, spend time with strange men or any strangers for that matter, imbibe any foreign substances (pun intended), visit downtown alone, etc, etc. Over the next 24 hours we proceeded to break every single one of their rules.

Almost immediately after arriving to the pool we met six men on vacation for a bachelor party. These characters included:

Hi-Larry-ous the Bachelor
Stacks
The Window Washer
Transformer
Note: There were also two other dudes in attendance as well, however we didn’t get to know them as well as the others.

Over the course of the afternoon we enjoyed several shots of the hotel’s best tequila at half price thanks to Christie, took a lesson in body surfing and buried Christie in the sand. By the end of the afternoon, these lovely gents had offered us an invitation back to their suite. Assuming we would be heading downtown, we got completely dolled up and headed over to their place a couple buildings over. Wrong.

Upon arrival we quickly realized the boys had settled in for the night and we’d be spending the evening on the resort in their sweet. But don’t worry…we found a way to pass the time…(get your head out of the gutter)…we taught them King’s Cup!

It wasn’t but a couple hours into the night when we ran out of chi-chi’s and had to order more booze. Nice work Christie.

I think it might have been the final bottle of vodka that threw me for a loop, but my memory blurs a bit after this point.

The next day we awoke after only a few hours of sleep to find my camera missing and only a short time to make it downtown to catch our snorkeling day trip. I had a sneaking suspicion it might be at the pool, which was open 24 hours, but when I arrived it was nowhere to be found. Disappointed I headed back to my room only to run into a woman on the foot path who asked if I was looking for my camera. She had just turned it into Lost & Found. I then realized she would have had to review the pictures to know it was my camera. Very very very embarrassing.

Needless to say we did make it onto our snorkeling trip, which turned out to be an open bar. Score!

When we returned back to the hotel we had several drive by visits from the bachelor party, however we failed to take our mother’s advice again and drank not the water, but the cocktails with the ice on the boat that afternoon. We were down for the count until we headed to the airport the next morning. It didn’t matter though. There was no way we could have topped Thursday anyway.

De nada Mexico. De nada.

SOSD II: Luisa’s Look on Love

Posted on June 26, 2011 by Denise

I’m assuming if you live in San Francisco, particularly in the hood, you’ve been to either Delaney’s or Notte …Or perhaps you know her from the 2007 lawsuits she faced after closing a well known establishment by the name of Johnny Barleycorns downtown. Her name is Luisa Hanson and she seems to have been around San Francisco as long as the Marina has been built on rubble.

Whether you’re a fan of her cuisine or can’t stand her code of business, you’ve got to admit, she’s got an interesting perspective on life and is always willing to share. New Year’s Eve of my senior year in college I fancied her bar, Notte, for an underage hotspot with dancing, cocktails and a short line for the restroom.After I moved to the city it took only a couple of months to discover I in fact lived only two blocks from my NYE shitshow, as well as it’s accompanying restaurant, Luisa’s.

Both being Italian and enjoying a quiet night out I have found her flagship restaurant to be one of my local favorites, especially because you get to see what Luisa’s got new on the menu (and I’ve not talking about the entrees).

She is always ready to dish some advise…some of my favorites…”You so sweet. You best to move to the midwest. A man will appreciate you there.” or ”Why is she single? She’s stubborn, isn’t she? I like her.” or “She’s so pretty. She has a boyfriend, doesn’t she?” or my favorite, “You have big boobs. That intimidates men. That’s why you single.”

Recently we visited the restaurant for a nice dinner with some friends in town and ended up staying around for a couple hours to chat.

After a couple hours of yammering from Luisa about getting aggressive in our search for love we walked approximately 100 feet to the back bar Notte to find a man.

Shockingly enough I did meet a man that night. His name was Nick and he lived right here in the hood. Unfortunately it was several hours later I realized Nick was anything but single. I’m suspicious Luisa put him up to it, but I guess I’ll never know. I’m just thankful this one wasn’t married!

How to Crush Union Street Festival

Posted on June 9, 2011 by Denise

As you may have hard this year’s Union Street Festival was a dry one. After attending on Saturday afternoon I would call the whole thing an arts and crafts faire, however, despite the lack of rock and roll music and beer gardens, there were still plenty of drunken good times.

Here are a couple of my favorite Yelp reviews about the event (Yes, these are direct quotes):

Not even a monsoon could slow these Marina girls down.
Sorry for (1) Partying & having fun at a festival, (2) not being a grandma, and (3) living life a little.
The order of the day is booze, teriyaki chicken skewers, funnel cakes, and easy women. Dear Marina, please don’t ever change.
Not college age and yet we stayed for hours! I guess it’s just our love for SF, it’s neighborhoods and it helps we don’t live nearby!
This is only for people with no class or any kind of education.

As you can see, the event sounds completely like something my friends and I would absolutely LOVE! I don’t know if it was the rebellious air about the event, but everyone seemed to be out and ready to rage. After Mary and I celebrated a birthday with brunch at The Republic (delicious, BTW), we met up with the Sausage Prince at Perry’s. He was already five bloody’s and 2 shots deep. It was catch up time.

Walking through the festival we were instantly tempted by the bar in the window at Marengo. I though to myself, “This isn’t the usual set up, looks like fun!” Luckily we got in early and grabbed a table before the flood of people came pouring in. We ended up staying there the entire afternoon. The owner, Jim, was in a great mood since he had just proposed to our favorite waitress Leslie (and she said yes), so the drinks were pouring heavier than usual thanks to him. I, admittedly, enjoyed more Lemonade & Whiskey’s than I care to count…Not to mention the Fried Chicken Sliders on the side.

Over the course of the day all sorts of friends came in to join us…we had Folsom, Santa Clara and San Francisco alike cozied up to our table! Around 6pm we finally pussed out and headed to Betelnut for some dinner. At $50 a person I presume we devoured pretty much every item on the menu (sans seafood for me, of course).

Oh and thanks for Icing me at dinner Becky. Touche. (See more on Icing from Last Year’s Union Street)

From there we headed to Mauna Loa where we convinced some guy this hat represented the number of people we’d slept with…he was disgusted…we were in hysterics. (Oh and that’s a crazy wo-man standing behind me.)

After Marengo we crawled from Republic to Monaghans and finally to Patxis where we closed out the night with some chicago style pizza and a lot of sauvignon blanc.

Thanks to Union Street Festival and my ridiculous friends for another fantastic Saturday Faturday. We really crushed it.