Last I wrote, Christay and I had headed south(pun intended) for a quick trip to Mexico and from there the Summer season really kicked off. Tahoe on the Fourth, a Wedding in the East Bay, a Sweet Sixteen for a princess, Christay’s Birthday, Vegas for a week, Outside Lands Weekend in the City, more East Bay and finally a weekend in Somerset with the roomies. I’m back in the city as of two days ago and it feels great to have a bed to myself and a quiet night to catch up on Jersey Shore, Real Housewives and Teen Mom.

A couple hilarious highlights from the past couple of months…

Boobie Burns…I practically had a third degree burn on my big boob from laying out in Tahoe right after getting back from Mexico. I had to use special plastic surgery tissue repair cream to fight the scaring. I’m an idiot. But for the record, I’m still really freakin’ tan.

Lola Loves to Swim…How ridiculous is she?!

My Cousin and the Bride to Be, Megs… Chugging a Beer Before the Ceremony at the Church…She’s so classy!

The Cupid Shuffle…If you don’t know this song and/or dance. Please download it now. My entire family (aunts, uncles, cousins and parents) learned it and performed it at both the wedding and sweet sixteen. Amazingness.

Christie’s Birthday Magnum…While hosting birthday cocktails at our place, our neighbors stopped by and realized it was Christie’s birthday. Only moments later they showed back up at the front door with this and a card. Is Christay a midget or is that a HUGE bottle of wine and wine glass?!

Maggie McGarry’s Creepy McCreeperson…Check out the expression on the girls’ faces and Mary’s blatant index finger point at his fake cigarette. WTF Creepy?!

Annie & I at the Vegas ER…While at our conference for work, Annie’s previous week’s injury landed us in the ER. While the hospital was clean and the staff attentive, the patients were absolutely horrifying. The icing on the cake was a 60+ year old man, in an electric wheelchair, wreaking of BO and growing a beard to his chest, who shared the following (and yes, these are direct quotes), “Honey…you’re my type of woman,” and only a couple minutes later, “I’m a sadistic mother fucker and I’ll take him back to Alabama and kill him southern style.” Seriously?! The only good out of that trip was the sweet set of wheels we had for the week!

Outside Lands Saturday in the City…Due to my stay in Vegas I, unfortunately, missed out on the Outside Land’s Festival, but was able to hang out Saturday PM with those who had attended during the day. That night we met up at our favorite restaurant, Wasabi & Ginger, where we were joined by Mary and her cousin, Mikey. Upon getting seated, Mikey turns to the waiter and requests 6 Kamikazes on his own separate tab. The waiter looked at him funny, clarified the order again and walked away. Now granted Mike is 6’6, but even a dude that tall couldn’t put away 50+ pieces of sushi. Turns out…Mike thought he was ordering 6 Kamikaze shots, not 6 Kamikaze rolls. Classic sushi mix-up, right?

Somerset Wine Country…Lo so kindly hosted a group of us at her family’s cabin this weekend where we learned not only do they have delicious and inexpensive wineries within a short drive, but they also have an awesome river to cool down after a long day of boozing and no A/C. Only a short walk from the house, we headed down and met three local mountain dudes to swim and chillax with.

Little did we know, those three local dudes, had made friends with Lo and she had invited them over for drinks that night. Not surprisingly Lo got drunk and passed out only a short time after one of the dudes actually showed up at the house. Alex grew up in the area and had never left. A bonified, but not boneable, mountain man who blatantly attempted to sleep with Crispin,Christay and I. Gross. Absolutely gross.

All in all…a great summer and can’t wait for what’s to come this Fall.

Whether you’re a fan of her cuisine or can’t stand her code of business, you’ve got to admit, she’s got an interesting perspective on life and is always willing to share. New Year’s Eve of my senior year in college I fancied her bar, Notte, for an underage  hotspot with dancing, cocktails and a short line for the restroom.After I moved to the city it took only a couple of months to discover I in fact lived only two blocks from my NYE shitshow, as well as it’s accompanying restaurant, Luisa’s.

Both being Italian and enjoying a quiet night out I have found her flagship restaurant to be one of my local favorites, especially because you get to see what Luisa’s got new on the menu (and I’ve not talking about the entrees).

She is always ready to dish some advise…some of my favorites…”You so sweet. You best to move to the midwest. A man will appreciate you there.” or ”Why is she single? She’s stubborn, isn’t she? I like her.” or “She’s so pretty. She has a boyfriend, doesn’t she?” or my favorite, “You have big boobs. That intimidates men. That’s why you single.”

Recently we visited the restaurant for a nice dinner with some friends in town and ended up staying around for a couple hours to chat.

After a couple hours of yammering from Luisa about getting aggressive in our search for love we walked approximately 100 feet to the back bar Notte to find a man.

Shockingly enough I did meet a man that night. His name was Nick and he lived right here in the hood. Unfortunately it was several hours later I realized Nick was anything but single. I’m suspicious Luisa put him up to it, but I guess I’ll never know. I’m just thankful this one wasn’t married!

SIDE NOTE: The details behind my “under the falafel wraps” relationship will surely be shared at some point, but trust me…it’s pages worth of story and now isn’t the time.

Aside, this past weekend, now that I’m truthfully single, we decided to launch a second season. After the success of our weekend in Carmel last year (Part I and Part II), we couldn’t possibly think of a better place to kick off SOSD than Carmel.

With Jen back in Chicago this year, this SOSD trip featured only the three amigas, Mary, Christie and myself. With Mary’s recommendations on eateries AND last year’s suite booked again at The Fireplace Inn (and yes, each room is as over-the-top themed as this one), we knew this weekend would prove to be nothing short of ridiculous.

Thrilled to have my new convertible, who has been poignantly named “Sergeant Pepper” for his nod to the British Beatles and Pepper White exterior, we drove the entire route to and from Carmel with our top off. We even brought a plethora of hats and scarves, both socially acceptable and unacceptable…

Once we arrived in Carmel, we immediately got into our evening garb and hit up the Inn at Spanish Bay to sit outside and indulge in some appetizers and cocktails. Although it was absolutely freezing, we cuddled up with a blanket and an Irish Coffee and enjoyed the sounds of a bagpiper in the distance.

While devouring our delicious thai egg rolls AND the beautiful sunset, we were rudely interrupted by a relentless seagull, who flew down, wing span brushing Mary’s face, and stole our last egg roll. “BITCHES!” I exclaimed! While I missed the action shot, I did get this one of Mary momentarily after the attack…(And no. I don’t know what Mary was wearing on her head.)

Once things got too chilly (or perhaps we were shamed by the emberassment of my yelling bitches) we ended up inside the hotel, mingling with the guests and chefs of the Carmel Food and Wine Festival. We ended up talking with the sous chef for Guy Fieri, who turned out to be just as big of a douche bag as Guy himself. Ick. After this awkward encounter, we realized there were nothing but old men (to Christie’s liking only), so we headed back to Carmel by the Sea for dinner downtown.

I think Forge In The Forrest was delicious, but to be honest I had imbibed several cocktails at this point and the darkness of their outdoor patio was surely darker than was intended. After our prosciutto wrapped prawns, broiled artichokes, and filet mignon had been consumed, we decidedly headed to our old stake out, Brophy’s to close out the night.

Not surprising both the bartender and owner of Brophy’s remembered us from the year prior and promptly served us several strong cocktails, including a Captain n’ Coke, 7&& and Margarita. We sat at the center of the bar playing F$%& the Dealer and judging our surroundings intently…

Sitting just behind us were four locals, three guys and a girl, who after declining our invitation to join us for a round of cards, inquired about borrowing my camera. Without a second thought I handed them my iPhone and watched them take several ridiculous photos of one another. After returning Rick Suave IV (that’s the name of my iPhone), I provided them my “Dignity” Business Card and requested they check back in a week because I would be posting their photos here. (See example below.)

Not sure why, but for whatever reason my smartass response enticed them. Next thing I knew I was locked out of my hotel room and was getting into the car with two of our new “friends.” Fast forward to the next morning when I sent the following text to Mary at 5:49am: “Hey. I think we’re in the same house. Don’t forget me if you leave!!”

Over the course of the next couple of hours Mary and I awaited Christie’s ride back to our hotel in this stranger’s home. While wandering throughout the house, we discovered our new friends’ obsession with the Giants, including an adorable Christmas Tree adorned with handmade Giants Jerseys. Creepy and yet endearing all at the same time.

Tim Lincecum and Cody Ross (as they will be named for their giant Giants fandemonium) had work early that morning and little patience to deal with our antics. Finally around 7am Christie and the Eagle show up to find Mary, Tim and I cuddled up for a catnap while in a complete state of hermekey. Shockingly, this was the least awkward moment of the AM.

We got back to the hotel and anxiously awaited the continental breakfast buffet, afterall we needed a good base for our Carmel Valley Wine Tasting.

That afternoon we were chauffeured by Gary, who in his past life directed The Phil Donahue Show, but was now a personal driver to the stars of Carmel, including Kate Spade, Michael Kors and Doris Day. (I have no idea where Mary found this guy.)

We hit up Corkscrew for lunch then to Boekenoogen, Parsonage, & Boete for tastings. Per usual Christie joined a wine club while Mary and I basked in her new member discount.

That night we went to Dametra’s Cafe (Check Out their Facebook Page. It’s ridiculous.) where we enjoyed the company of several middle eastern men and delicious Greek cuisine. Christie even got up for a belly dance!

By Saturday night things had quieted down for us, with the exception of Christie who had found herself a partner during the belly dance…By Sunday morning the three of us awoke, exhausted and ready for the long haul back to reality in San Francisco.

We stopped along the way for brunch downtown, then to Capitola for a daiquiri and some sun at Zelda’s. We got back to the city around 5pm that night…All in all, not too shabby of a kick off to SOSD 2011.

Aside, as we head into the months of Fall, still single, efforts must be made. So despite my complete lack of knowledge around the game, I decided to join a Fantasy Football League to meet new single dudes! When I say I know nothing about football you probably think, “Oh well I’m sure she’s probably exaggerating, everyone knows something about football” But I’m not and I don’t. I can count the number of times football was on the TV in my house growing up on one hand. My father never fancied the sport and I have no brothers. I’m screwed!

But when Goldberg emailed the Cozy bitches and asked if we were interested in joining her league, I had to jump at the opportunity. Although I’ve heard ESPN is the place to establish your league, we chose YahooSports. Despite Gberg providing explicit instructions on how to log in, set up your team and select your roster, etc I struggled to say the least.

With the assistance of several male friends and my clever ability to bullshit my way through any situation, I came up with the following:

League Name: Balls for Bitches

Team Name: Mr Happy’s Revenge (PS If you don’t know where this name comes from, I’m glad.)

Roster:  I selected my team solely based on appearances. My hope was to have a fantasy love affair with them, but let’s face it that’s probably not going to happen.

I’m not sure what all that information means and to be perfectly honest I only discovered what the DEF, QB, RB abbreviations meant after I Googled them. Sure I don’t know what I’m doing, but at least I’m trying. Isn’t that endearing enough?

So here’s my ask…If you know of any great places to watch the games here in the city, let me know. And if you’d like to explain the game of football to me in very simple terms, that couldn’t hurt either.

Looking forward to having an amazing Superbowl Party. Get excited!

As you know from the launch of SOSD the goal has been to find creative ways (aka not just going to the bars) to meet eligible bachelors. We’ve been to Tahoe, Carmel and all sorts of new venues within the city limits in our search….One of my most favorite locations was right here in our backyard aka the Mission Theatre. Here Mary and I saw “Much Ado About Lebowski” as writ by William Shakespeare; an adaption of an adaption of a parody of a farce. Quite hilarious.

After we enjoyed several rounds of white russians and the banter of an adorable San Francisco married couple, we met up with Blaire and her older sister (technically it’s Blaire’s mom, but she doesn’t look it) at the Brickyard.

It was actually nice to have a mom around…She was great at giving advice on which guys to pursue and which not to… To my recollection she was not, however, a fan of Tony, but I was!

Once Blaire’s mom decided it was time to call it a night, we left The Brickyard and headed over to Mauna Loa to meet up with some other friends (and family)…

I know there were a lot more people at the bar that night, too many to count. And I’m pretty sure a lot of craziness went on around me, but somehow I managed to avoid almost all of them. See I ended up with a seat at a table of strangers, excluding Doug who I do know, playing round after round of cards.

I showed them my waterproof camera and my playing cards, at which point, one of the random girls at the table commented on my admiration of drinking games as demonstrated by my preparation with waterproof gadgets. Bitch puh-lease.

Despite her sassy attitude we continued on with card games until the end of the night…Ridiculous.

Once we had escaped being kicked out of our Carmel family inn, we headed into the valley for some yummy brunch at Corkscrew Cafe.

Not only was the food delicious, but so was the service. Sean and Dustin were our servers…They were hilarious. They looked twelve years old, but apparently it was only their innocence that kept them looking so young. Well that and their rosey cheeks.

We finished our ‘Ladies Who Lunch” luncheon and popped down the street to Talbott and Georis wineries.

The atmosphere for tastings was beautiful and the company was pretty fantastic as well .

At Talbott we met two adorable couples from Los Angeles. The ladies were sisters and despite both being grandmothers they looked 25. They sat and talked with us for a while offering advice on beautiful skin, local wineries and of course, how to find true love.

At Georis we met Bear, a musician from South Carolina who currently holds the Guinness Book of World Records for finger tapping. He had a snaggle tooth, southern accent and sweet sense of humor. Check him out:

[There is a video that cannot be displayed in this feed. Visit the blog entry to see the video.]

We had finished up in the Valley and headed back to the hotel. We quickly refreshed and headed out for a late dinner. Unfortunately we didn’t make a reservation at the restaurant Dametra’s, so we put in our name, dropped off our Georis and Talbott wine and headed to Il Fornaio for a couple cocktails in the meantime.

At Il Fornaio we met “B” a bartender who had been working there for over 15 years. Quite entertaining and made one mean pomegranate margarita.

Over the course of the next hour we attempted to hit on a table of men who had obviously just returned from a game of golf. We created a diagram to determine who was single and who was married. Alas. No luck. Again.

After hugging “B” goodbye we headed back over to Dametra’s for some outstanding food, singing, dancing and good times. The restaurant is run by a family of Greek men (i.e. cousins, brothers, grandfather, etc). I emphasize the word family because I felt like it was actually just a group of friends who shared a common interest of good food and good women. We were attended to by at least five male waiters, serenaded by their grandfather and danced adored by a table of Arabic drummers. An interesting experience to say the least.

We finished up our final course and headed back to Brophy’s for Round II. We entered the bar to find all the locals and workers knew us by name. I even got a talking to again by the owner, Chris, about keeping it PG tonight. We dropped off the bottle of wine we didn’t consume at dinner behind the bar and bellied up to a table in the corner next to two hawt single dudes, who I shall call Folsom and Sven.

Folsom and Sven didn’t seem terribly interested at first, however, after joining us for a drink, their attitudes quickly adjusted. Christie pretty quickly decided Sven was heres, despite Jen’s tentative interest. Mary chatted up Folsom, however he was suffering from a recent broken heart and didn’t care too much to take any females serious. With Mary and Christie distracted, Jen and I wandered the other 10 square feet of the bar for any newbies.

Unfortunately there were no newbies, instead  the wedding party from the night before turned up, including Robert. He quickly approached me, stuck his hand inappropriately down my shirt and began making out with me. Chris, the bar owner, quickly reminded us to keep it PG. Robert then decided it was probably a good idea to go back to my hotel room. I agreed.

So I walked over to the table with Sven, Christie, Folsom and Mary to grab my coat. I explained to them my plan and everyone seemed to be in agreement that it was an excellent idea. On my way back to Robert I stopped to talk with this dude who I shall call Tin Cup. Tin Cup was a movie producer from LA who was sitting in the bar with an oversized pair of headphones choosing music for his upcoming movie. He couldn’t tell me what the name of it was but described it as follows:

“It’s a story about a war veteran who comes back to play professional golf. He comes to Carmel, meets a lady and rebuilds his life. Oh and it’s starring Kevin Costner.”

I responded by asking, “Didn’t they already make that movie? It’s called Tin Cup.” He did not think this was clever. He went on to make ridiculous statements like..

“If you don’t have money, you can never be happy.”

“I’m dating a japanese princess. She’s a direct descendant of the emperor. In our spare time she and I run a dog grooming business called Pretty Doggies.”

“Don’t call me sweetheart. My name is ____. Don’t ever call me a pet name again.”

I seriously couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried. The true downside of this conversation, outside of feeling dumber, was that Robert thought I was flirting with this 52 year old douche and left the bar giving me a dirty look. So much for going back to the hotel room. So instead the girls and I finished up our cocktails and silently headed back to our hotel room.

Sunday morning we woke up, snuck out of the hotel room and headed over to Big Sur to have brunch at Nepenthe. I was pretty sure Jen and Christie were going to vomit on the windy 30-minute drive. Especially when I started singing showtunes. But we made it there free and clear. No Sunday Funday lunch would do without a refreshing cocktail, especially if daiquiris are on the menu!

The day ended with a long drive back to San Francisco. Lola, wine and dignity in tow…

A great kick off to the Summer of Single Dudes.

SIDE NOTE: The concept of SOSD surfaced over the last couple of months as my single girlfriends and I realized in order to meeting single guys, we were best off doing so only when with other single girls. See unlike the common male, females who are in a serious relationships give off a vibe wreaking of the words, “Don’t even bother. I’m taken.” Men, however, whether married, engaged or dating always seem available. So much to our couple friends’ dismay, we begin planning activities without them.

The first event, and launch of the SOSD, was a weekend getaway to Carmel, Ca. Now you’re probably asking yourself, why Carmel? What I discovered at a recent wedding in this beautiful town is that dudes (and not ladies) are crawling all over this place. They’re visiting for bachelor parties, golf trips, wedding parties and more. The best part? There is only one bar in all of downtown Carmel open until 2am, making Brophy’s Tavern, the secret hiding haven for single dudes. (Well, I guess it’s not a secret anymore).

So I strategically booked our stay at Fireside Inn, which is directly across the street from Brophy’s and only two blocks from the downtown drag, Ocean Avenue. Christie, Jen and Mary in tow we headed down Friday evening for two jam packed days of full of debauchery.

Friday night Mary and I were the first of the four to hit up Brophy’s (late start). We begin with a 7&7 and an interactive card game commonly known as King’s Cup.

SIDE NOTE: Notice below the cards appear to be see-through. In reality these were waterproof. Perfect for bar, beach or children. (By the end of the night these were all over the place. The owner, Chris, claimed to have made an attempt to collect them and gave up half way through…)

Christie and Jen joined soon after…The night goes on and several groups of single dudes are now hanging out at the bar. A couple dudes specifically engage with us in conversation. I shall call them Jeff, Leonard and Robert and they were being pursued by Christie, Jen and myself accordingly. PS by 11pm Mary peaced out and passed out back in our hotel room with Lola.

The rest of the evening becomes a little blurry, but here are a couple quick highlights:

1. Christie gets in an argument with Jeff over gay marriage. She is pro and he is not. This, however, could not possibly have been a surprise to her considering he had come to the bar after a full day of hunting. WTF?

2. Jen has a hawt makeout session with Leonard who, later that night asks she join him for a viewing of the lunar eclipse happening around 3am. Creepy! (PS He proceeded to call/text her over the next couple of days, saying things like “I thought we had chemistry?!”)

3. Robert and I proceed to kiss as if we were in the seventh grade in a dark movie theatre, but we are nearly thirty and sitting at a bar. The bartender reminded us to keep it PG. We did our best.

1. Robert is with a wedding party and the groom shares with me he is upset because he never made it to a strip club for his bachelor party. I feel terrible about this and decide to flash him in the hopes it will make all better. I think it helped.

So as the bar closed the boys walked us back to our hotel (directly across the street) where Jen and I proceed to get in a heated discussion about absolutely nothing important. The boys leave, but Jen and I proceed to continue talking outside of our hotel room, whereby a hotel guest starts yelling profanity at me. I react by yelling back, “Are you serious?” For some crazy reason I thought they were in the wrong, not me. Ridiculous. Thereafter we get into our room, I cuddle up with Lola and we go to sleep.

The next morning we woke up at 8am to make it to the Continental breakfast. We feast on free bagels and muffins and then head back to bed until 12noon. We failed to remember, however, we had told the hotel there were only two of us staying in the hotel, and yet there were four who grabbed some grub. Around 12:30pm that morning/afternoon, I had to explain to the front desk that there were only two of us, the other two were staying at the nearby Best Western and the noise the night before was not us whoring ourselves out, but rather a funny talking to between good friends. This was one of the most awkward conversations I’ve ever had.

Oh and at this point in the morning we decide the crest placed strategically above our hotel room’s fireplace, is now our SOSD emblem…

Night #1 is complete…On to Day and Evening #2. I couldn’t possibly imagine things getting any crazier, but I live to be surprised…Carmel Part II coming soon…

The group included Mary, Christie, Jen, Doug, Milo and I…The entire weekend was filled with a shit ton of laughter, rock paper scissors, delicious dining and of course, it wouldn’t be a weekend on the north shore, without woodies.

To keep things contained in one part of the house, all of us decided to stay in one room. Imagine summer camp, but way classier. The highlight for me was most definitely my Saturday morning wake up call. By 9:30am everyone was up and aggressively trying to get me motivated to put on a wet suit and go for a swim.

SIDE NOTE: On Thursday night there were chains required because of the amount of snowfall. Now imagine that snow recently melted creating the lake in which we were about to dive in. Brrrr.

Aside, I gave in. With the help of Mary and Christie, we struggled into our wetsuits and headed down to the water for a very cold morning swim…Hilarity ensued as we counted down for our race to the booeys…Lola following close behind.

Check out our winter water aerobics and more…

[There is a video that cannot be displayed in this feed. Visit the blog entry to see the video.]

I’d like say thank you to Michelle. Michelle, thank you for breaking my month long streak of sobriety. Not sure what put me in such a funk, but celebrating your nuptial bliss with some of my most favorite people seemed to pull me right out of the darkness.

The wedding was in Carmel, one of my most favorite weekend getaways. I was staying in an adorable little hotel with Lauren, Kasey, Crispin and Forrest. (Yes, there were five of us in one room, but it had three beds.) Lauren had apparently just googled the hotel closest to the reception at the best price. I’m, however, still convinced she strategically planned it to be next to the only bar in Carmel open until 2am: Brophys. Nice work Lo.

As soon as we got into town Kasey, Lauren and I headed over to Brophy’s for a drink. I was hoping to start slow, but Lauren ordered me a Long Island. Damn her.

After several cocktails the wedding party showed up post rehearsal dinner.

As you can see, Lauren, Kasey and I had enjoyed one too many Long Islands and I was heading towards a very bad decision.

I failed to mention that Brophy’s is most definitely a male dominated bar. In fact, besides the two cougars in cheetah print, we were the only females there. Upon walking into the bar, there was one group of men in particular, a golf weekend getaway for them, who looked to be a good time. “Ricky Jones” as I will call him, had instantly caught my attention…mmm…chocolate.

We talked for quite some time…He was some sort of youth officer…I don’t recall much more than liars dice and shots. But by the end of the night I had collected more than just a couple of free cocktails. I had in my possession one very important piece of collateral: his hotel room key. (Notice how “sotally tober” I look in this photo.)

Despite my girlfriends being in the mostest drunken stupor, their reaction went something like this…

Now stop judging me…I wasn’t actually going to do it. It’s the thrill of the chase, not the actual conquest. Give me a break…I do have some class. (Some being the operative word.) I gave him back the key and the girls and I went back to our own hotel room. There I enjoyed some delicious cupcakes…chocolate cupcakes that is…teeheehee…

Coincidentally the next night we ran into the same group of guys and it turns out “Ricky Jones” was married. What a sleaze! He wasn’t even wearing a wedding ring! Some guys are so ridiculously gross.

……

The rest of the weekend was fantastic. Saturday and Sunday brunching. An amazing afternoon wedding on the beach. And most importantly, good times with great friends…

Quotes of the Weekend: